No big deal
I used to give the same level of importance to a lot of things in my life: a failed brownie recipe, a delayed email reply, missing a phone call, right alongside a critical project deadline or a major construction estimate mistake that could cost thousands of dollars.
Here is something I learned through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that helps me a lot.
I used to have intense reactions to simple things at work, like an email about a new incoming task or project. I would read it and immediately feel overwhelmed, as if I had to finish the task/answer right away. I had a CBT coach who taught me to pause and analyze what I was feeling by asking these questions:
How am I feeling? Anxiety, lightheadedness, butterflies in the stomach, sweating, dizziness, a headache.
Why am I having these feelings? I think I need to answer right away, but I don't have the answer. I have to stop and search for it.
What happens if I don't answer the question or demand right away? The subcontractor won't have the right information, so they won't price it correctly and will miss part of the scope.
What happens if a trade misses part of the scope? What will happen to me? I'll hear complaints from a project manager telling me I missed the scope, which makes the project go over budget.
Why is that a problem? How much of that is up to you? How would you feel about it? I'd feel ashamed and blame myself for the error. People will think I'm stupid for having missed that.
And that was the realization: I feel so overwhelmed because, in my head, I process any delay as a complete failure and imagine the worst possible outcome: being considered stupid or incompetent.
That was a cathartic moment for me during the session. I was sweating, trying to articulate a comment, and stumbling over my words. It was a revelation.
Then the coach asked me, “What would be the solution?”
He suggested a simple one: just reply to the incoming email with, “I will look into that and reply as soon as I can.” Boom! Simple. Obvious. I felt like an idiot for not having thought of it myself.
That just showed how many underlying thoughts I've had and how much they have been blurring my vision.
The coach had me imagine a good outcome. He said I was having avoidance issues and needed to take steps to overcome them.
A good outcome looks like this:
Reply to the message, saying I'll take a look at it. That way, I get part of it out of my head. It's the first step to taking action.
Note the request. Write down what is needed and the steps required to resolve it. Define the next actions.
Look at all the other actions I planned for my day. Can I move any of them around to focus on this new one? Decide how to prioritize. Maybe I need more time and can wait until the next day or the end of the day to take action. Prioritize.
Realize it's not a big deal! Cultivate a feeling of confidence and self-efficacy. That's how I want to feel. It's just a request. I process it, plan it, and solve it. NO BIG DEAL!
Post 09 of #Blaugust #journal #health #mentalhealth
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By Noisy Deadlines Minimalist in progress, nerdy, introvert, skeptic. I don't leave without my e-reader.